open letter

Dear Ammay, I’m mainly writing to you today to tell you that I got married

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Dear Ammay,

I know it’s been a while since I last wrote to you. This month would mark 6 years since you passed away.

Well, I’m mainly writing to you today to tell you that I got married, ammay. I don’t think it has truly sunk in yet that I AM MARRIED!! Haha! That’s going to take a while. It is very similar to the feeling of not being able to accept that you were not there by my side on my wedding day. I shan’t lie and say that we both dreamt of my wedding day together, because we both know that never happened. Though, I do remember you telling me to pray that I may find a good partner, maybe because you understood the importance of having a loving husband, who stands by you through thick and thin.

Indian weddings are considered such family events, it’s simply assumed that a mother would be present. Well, I suppose a mother being there for her daughter on her wedding day is a usual thing for other brides, though, for me, these were heavy moments of realization. I won’t deny, it is these major life events that make me miss you so much more. I found myself longing more than ever for just one hug of yours or just for you to tell me “All will be fine, Pepekutta”. I missed talking to you about the wedding plans, for you to come shopping with me, for you to ban me from buying anything in black, for me to gift you a saree for the wedding day, for us to sit down and make never ending to-do lists and so on.

I’ve lost count of the number of times during these past few months, I’ve just gazed at dad and thought “How is he holding up so strong without you?”. Though you should know, dad was the most supportive person throughout. Ever since I told him about Alex, he was so calm and composed! A part of me couldn’t believe it honestly. He became my confidante throughout. He has changed a lot, Ammay, you’d be proud of him too! I remember when dad and I went to buy my jewellery, there were other young ladies accompanied by their mothers mainly. I can’t verbalise how much it broke my heart to see that. Dad could see the hurt on my face, he patiently sat through as I tried on every necklace there. He didn’t let me feel your absence even for a breath, ammay.

You have been gone for six years, still, I just wanted to be your Pepekutta on my wedding day. I remember you on Kuttu’s wedding day, and all I tried was to imagine you doing all of that for me. Only I know how much strength of mine it took to not burst into tears when I donned my wedding saree knowing that you’re not there to see me. Dad gifted me your beloved necklace, Ammay, I wore it for the wedding. Getting into the wedding car with Dad, Kuttu and jiju, I couldn’t help but ponder, you should’ve been there sitting next to me. I know I am 27, regardless, at that moment I was a girl who just wanted her mum’s presence alongside her.

I recall you saying that you want to live till Kuttu’s wedding and I would joke and say “Hey! What? No hope for me already!” And you’d just smile at me. You knew deep within you won’t make it to see me getting married. It was utterly daunting to think over certain topics for months and make decisions I never thought I would have to make without you.

A bride to be is supposed to be the happiest, so I nodded and smiled whenever anyone asked me how I was doing even when there was so much that my mind was making me go through. Dad, Kuttu, jiju and my wonderful friends stood by me relentlessly, they were and are my constants. And, Alex gave me all the more reasons during these times to love him more than I thought was possible.

You never met Alex, though I hope you’d like him. Like you, he has also discerned what a piece of work I can be and has accepted me as I am. He’s a sweet and loving gentleman. That night after Alex and I had our third date, I spoke to you about him from my balcony, slightly anticipating a green flag from you to take things ahead with him.

My friends often say, “Your mum must be happy!” And I reply saying, “Yes, I’d like to believe she is happy that I finally found “my person”. I found myself, someone, I know will be there to catch me if I fall, for the rest of my life. Never realised this till now but you prepared me for these times, you and dad showed me the essence of love and the literal sense of “in sickness and in health”. So, I know how thrilled and happy you must have been knowing that I am about to embark on this new journey with Alex.

The wedding day was beautiful. The ceremony went well, although I didn’t understand a word during mass as everything was in Malayalam! Haha! The reception was full of celebration and happiness, we all had such a lovely time. Dad was amusingly willing to click more than a single picture that day! I know, right! Alex’s parents are incredibly loving and warm, Ammay, you would’ve loved to meet them too. I hope you are pleased and happy for me, of what I’ve fulfilled in the years since we last met.

The simple truth is I’ve felt your presence throughout this major life event and I know you are here with me, with us.

I love you and I miss you.

I shall see you again.

Your daughter


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